[iwar] TheOnion.Com - US Vows to Defeat Whoever it is We're at War With

From: Fred Cohen (fc@all.net)
Date: 2001-09-28 15:16:04
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From: Fred Cohen <fc@all.net>
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Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 15:16:04 -0700 (PDT)
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Subject: [iwar] TheOnion.Com - US Vows to Defeat Whoever it is We're at War With
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WASHINGTON, DC-In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a
determined President Bush vowed that the U.S.  would defeat "whoever
exactly it is we're at war with here."

"America's enemy, be it Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, the Taliban, a
multinational coalition of terrorist organizations, any of a rogue's
gallery of violent Islamic fringe groups, or an entirely different,
non-Islamic aggressor we've never even heard of...  be warned," Bush
said during an 11-minute speech from the Oval Office.  "The United
States is preparing to strike, directly and decisively, against you,
whoever you are, just as soon as we have a rough idea of your identity
and a reasonably decent estimate as to where your base is located."

      Added Bush: "That is, assuming you have a base."

      Bush is acting with the full support of Congress, which on Sept. 
14 authorized him to use any necessary force against the undetermined
attackers.  According to House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL), the
congressional move enables the president to declare war, "to the extent
that war can realistically be declared on, like, maybe three or four
Egyptian guys, an Algerian, and this other guy who kind of looks
Lebanese but could be Syrian.  Or whoever else it might have been. 
Because it might not have been them."

      In addition to those responsible for the Sept.  11 attack, the
U.S.  is determined to exact revenge upon any nation found to have
harbored the perpetrators. 

      "Should we determine that a nation has been giving refuge to this
fiend-or fiends, as the case may be-we will effectively be at war with
that nation," Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD) said.  "Then
again, what if we declared war on Afghanistan and they didn't send
anyone to fight us? It's plausible that we could declare war on them,
but they wouldn't go to war with us, since they weren't the ones who
actually attacked us.  Who would our soldiers even shoot?"

      U.S.  Sen.  John McCain (R-AZ), one of Congress' decorated war
veterans, tried to steel the nation for the possibility of a long and
confusing conflict. 

      "America faces a long road ahead," McCain said.  "We do not yet
know the nature of 21st-century warfare.  We do not yet know how to
fight this sort of fight.  And I'll be damned if one of us has an
inkling who we will be fighting against.  With any luck, they've got
uniforms of some sort."

"Christ," McCain continued, "what if the terrorists' base of operation
turns out to be Detroit? Would we declare war on the state of Michigan?
I suppose we'd have to."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the war against terrorism will
be different from any previous model of modern warfare. 

"We were lucky enough at Pearl Harbor to be the victim of a craven sneak
attack from an aggressor with the decency to attack military targets,
use their own damn planes, and clearly mark those planes with their
national insignia so that we knew who they were," Rumsfeld said.  "Since
the 21st-century breed of coward is not affording us any such luxury, we
are forced to fritter away time searching hither and yon for him in the
manner of a global easter-egg hunt."

"America is up to that challenge," Rumsfeld added. 

On Monday, the House of Representatives voted 428-2 to form an
intelligence-gathering task force dedicated to "rooting out every scrap
of information that can possibly be gleaned" concerning the attackers. 

"When this task force's investigation is complete, America will know
this guy's mother's favorite flavor of ice cream," U.S.  Sen.  Phil
Gramm (R-TX) said.  "We will also know who he is."

Gramm said that the U.S.  has already learned a great deal about the
details of the Sept.  11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and
Pentagon, and that a rough psychological profile of its mastermind has
been constructed. 

"For example, we know that the mastermind has the approximate
personality of a terrorist," Gramm said.  "Also, he is senseless.  New
data is emerging all the time."

Standing in opposition to Bush and Congress is a small but growing
anti-war movement.  During the president's speech Tuesday, two dozen
demonstrators gathered outside the White House, chanting and waving
placards bearing such slogans as "U.S.  Out Of Somewhere" and "No Blood
For Whatever These Murderous Animals Hope To Acquire."

Attorney General John Ashcroft urged Americans to "come together at such
a difficult and unprecedented time in our nation's history."

"Make no mistake, we are facing a grave evil," Ashcroft said.  "This was
a horrific crime, the likes of which our nation has never seen.  But
this crime will not go unpunished, mark my words.  To whoever did this,
wherever you are, I say to you: Justice will be served, swiftly and
hopefully."

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