[iwar] [fc:Top.secret.memo.To:.Abdiqassim.Salad.Hassan,.transitional.president.of.Somalia]

From: Fred Cohen (fc@all.net)
Date: 2002-01-02 07:04:09
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From: Fred Cohen <fc@all.net>
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Date: Wed, 2 Jan 2002 07:04:09 -0800 (PST)
Subject: [iwar] [fc:Top.secret.memo.To:.Abdiqassim.Salad.Hassan,.transitional.president.of.Somalia]
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New York Times
January 2, 2002
Top Secret Memo
By Nicholas D. Kristof
To: Abdiqassim Salad Hassan, transitional president of Somalia
From: Transitional Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Somalia
Somalia's most urgent priority at the moment is to get bombed by the
Americans. Then maybe somebody will finally start paying attention (and
money) to our country.
Fortunately, it seems likely that the Americans may oblige - although there
is always the risk that they will get mixed up and hit Somaliland or Sierra
Leone instead. Washington is thinking about the next stage in its war on
terrorism, and in the search for a target that all players can agree on,
these supposed terrorist training camps in Somalia keep coming up.
American knowledge of Somalia is based almost entirely on "Black Hawk Down,"
now playing at cinemas. It leaves viewers strongly supportive of dropping
conventional or nuclear weapons on Somalia.
(Indeed, it's hard to think of a Westerner who has really understood our
country since Sir Richard Burton sneaked inside, in 1854. And, considering
what he wrote about the sexual practices of our women - even if he wrote in
an admiring tone - he studied us with rather too much enthusiasm.)
Of course, our government has hitherto publicly opposed being bombed. We
have used various arguments against bombing, noting that if our feeble
government were toppled and total chaos reigned, then Somalia could become
an even greater breeding ground for terrorism.
We have invited Americans to inspect for themselves. Indeed, it would be
nice if American officials dared to come, joining us for a traditional
Somali breakfast of camel liver and then chewing khat and getting high
together, for a mellow discussion of international terrorism. But it seems
unlikely.
So let us adopt a new tactic. If some suspected training camps in the desert
are to be bombed, let us embrace that fate. Frankly, there is nothing here
left to be destroyed.
The reality is that our transitional government, only a year old, is already
falling apart. We are broke and have not paid police or soldiers for three
months. Our biggest company, Al Barakaat, has been shut down because
Washington claims it was financing terrorists.
Somalia's greatest problem is that it has been forgotten by the West. Here
we are, arguably the poorest and most devastated country in the world,
three-quarters of our population malnourished, only 14 percent of our
children going to elementary school, our own "national" government ruling
only half of this one city of Mogadishu, and we can't get any assistance.
We can call our strategy the Manila Method. The Philippines had a
long-running, annoying insurgency in the south, and for years the Americans
paid no heed. But then Manila claimed that its insurgency was intimately
related to Al Qaeda.
Bingo - the Americans condemned this new threat to international security
and are helping to eradicate it.
Now in Somalia, everyone is trying to play the Qaeda card. Our enemies, the
warlords in the city of Baidoa, are fulminating about the supposed Qaeda
networks here, in hopes that the Americans will drop bombs on us. The
separatists in Somaliland are offering to help the Americans against us. In
the old days, factions in Somalia pretended to be Communist or capitalist to
win favors from the superpowers; now they talk about Al Qaeda.
So here is our proposal, Mr. President. We issue a formal invitation to
Osama bin Laden to come to Somalia, on behalf of a fictitious warlord in
some nearby town - say, Gialalassi. Then we will announce a few sightings.
The Americans will obligingly drop bombs. At a penny a pound, the scrap
metal itself will be a boon to Somalia's economy. And if Osama does come, we
can turn him in and claim that $25 million reward.
Then we will announce that Gialalassi has surrendered, and the Americans
will arrive to search for Osama. Journalists and aid workers will come, each
carrying money belts full of hundred-dollar bills. Foreign exchange reserves
will soar. Somalia will be saved.
It may seem strange, Mr. President, that the only way for one of the
poorest, most fragile countries in the world to get international help is
for it to be linked to terrorism and then bombed. But that is how the world
works today. 

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